My whole entire being is shaken. one minute i think i know the score, that i know my next move and am content with my previous one. the next minute im on the verge of tears, filled with sorrow and cursing the memories flooding through me.
i keep thinking im in control. that ive made enough mistakes to learn from and apply to future situations. i just keep thinking. but when it comes to this, i know ive been blind. blinded.
what i have is good. its perfect. im getting what i want. im using and being used and it just feels so damn good. i can see the potential dangers, and theres plenty, but ive taken measure against most of them. but somewhere between 'no strings' and now, i got lost. i dont know what i feel, if i feel, and who i feel it for.
"he is so your type!"
these words ring in my head all day, every day. the scene is on repeat, and i know its true.
i just dont know how to make it right.
i forfeited something that could be really good, for something that is never going to be the way i want it to be. and i dont know why.
oh lord. of course i know why. im scared of ending it, in case he has changed his mind. in case he wants me back. which is ridiculous, because even if he did, im smarter than to take him back. nothing has changed. she is still like a bad smell, he is still the same person, and nothing has changed.
so there it is. he was interested. really interested. and because of this false hope ive given myself, i lost on all fronts. and all i want to do is apologise, but i know nothing i say will repair the pride that got hurt. the public embarrassment i gave him. i want to grovel, to get down on my knees and ask for one more chance, but i get the idea he is smart enough to see me for what i really am. lost, confused, and hanging on to something that is long long gone.
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