Revelations and Miscalculations

I have recently come to realise that i am one of those people who are just loners. not in a bad way, but i dont always like being around people. when im alone, i often feel the need to have someone with me, until theyre there. i think i just value my alone time, but it got me worried. its hard for me to make friends. i hate that i find someone i get really close to, invest a lot of time and care into, and then, often by chance, they leave. not even in a bad way most of the time, but i then get left on my own. i guess i should start being a bit more of a social butterfly huh?

its getting hot. my windows are wide open (i had to spray on insect repellent instead of moisturising tonight) and the temperature is still the same. i love the heat, but it seems to sap all my energy.

Gravity Came Calling

Very unhappy with my friends at the moment. making plans and breaking them, not replying or replying days later. it hard when a friend in Texas can reply to a message faster than someone ten minutes from your house.

i am filled with regrets right now, and every day that passes makes it harder to go back. i feel like a debbie downer everywhere i go, and i cant help it. ill be having a good time, but theres this gaping hole where my mind jumps and fills with you. i know if i text you, i will get ignored or shut down again, and i dont think i can handle that. you were right to go, but i just really want another chance. too bad that opportunity came and went.

thursday morning. just. it was fun. i loved laughing with you, and having a cuddle too. its nice to call you my friend, but i wish it would go either way. the way you act sometimes is too sentimental. youre giving me ideas i know i shouldnt have, but we were good. you and i had fun, we had balance, we had so much. most of that went, but i still think theres room for this to work. even though im sure i cant handle it hurting again.

Inconsistencies is right!

Perfectly describes my blogging style. ill be back soon, just dealing with the literal mountain of washing on my bed. ah clothes, the bane of my existence.

Addiction

I think once i start blogging again, i just cant stop. im back here again in the space of an hour. less, even. i just want to get all my mind out, clear and calm again, because i cant stop thinking. of the past, the future, and what could have been. i hate regretting things, and this is something im growing to regret.
i keep thinking of ways to say im sorry. ways that will explain me in a way better than i am. to convey my disappointment in myself, without being self pitying. i just want to start over.
i think if i had the chance to talk to him face to face, i could do it the right way. the emotions i have right now are too hard to convey in a message. on paper, electronically. i can message you, i can text you. but none of it seems right. if only it wasnt so hard to let go.
i just feel like im drowing in all the mess ive made for myself. i cant have the best of both worlds. all i have to do now is choose the one i want. and i think i know, but i get the feeling theres no second chances where youre involved. i dont even know what ive done wrong exactly. guess i just have to apologise for everything.

Regrets are best served cold

My whole entire being is shaken. one minute i think i know the score, that i know my next move and am content with my previous one. the next minute im on the verge of tears, filled with sorrow and cursing the memories flooding through me.
i keep thinking im in control. that ive made enough mistakes to learn from and apply to future situations. i just keep thinking. but when it comes to this, i know ive been blind. blinded.
what i have is good. its perfect. im getting what i want. im using and being used and it just feels so damn good. i can see the potential dangers, and theres plenty, but ive taken measure against most of them. but somewhere between 'no strings' and now, i got lost. i dont know what i feel, if i feel, and who i feel it for.
"he is so your type!"
these words ring in my head all day, every day. the scene is on repeat, and i know its true.
i just dont know how to make it right.
i forfeited something that could be really good, for something that is never going to be the way i want it to be. and i dont know why.
oh lord. of course i know why. im scared of ending it, in case he has changed his mind. in case he wants me back. which is ridiculous, because even if he did, im smarter than to take him back. nothing has changed. she is still like a bad smell, he is still the same person, and nothing has changed.
so there it is. he was interested. really interested. and because of this false hope ive given myself, i lost on all fronts. and all i want to do is apologise, but i know nothing i say will repair the pride that got hurt. the public embarrassment i gave him. i want to grovel, to get down on my knees and ask for one more chance, but i get the idea he is smart enough to see me for what i really am. lost, confused, and hanging on to something that is long long gone.