The Ocean

She glared out at the ocean.
Not the waves, foaming over the sand and rushing backwards as another took it's place.
She stared further out. It was a deep purple colour; the angry swells tipped with the same white foam that capped the- by comparison- baby waves lapping the shore she sat on.
She had always loved the sea. Each time she came here the water somehow mimicked her eratic moods. She was here now to burn off her anger, and it was working. Not in the way most people would hope. No, her anger now was subsiding, making way for something bigger. and she would wait here until she forgot the reason for such rage. She knew it wasn't safe to be around people while she was like this. Previous experience had taught her that much.
So she ran her fingers through the sand. It was still warm, thought the sun had almost set. Another wave crashed heavily on the sand, and another wave of fury pulsed through her. Most of the things she regretted in life had happened when she was angry. Her anger was much greater than anyone else she had ever come across though. Relationships always ended in a fit of rage, all her decision. Friends had been lost too, plenty of them. It was hard enough making friends, but keeping them was a whole other story. Because it wasn't just her negative emotions that were amplified. Positive feelings too grasped her and held her tight. So she had stopped making friends. She simply felt too much to function the way everyone around her seemed to. It was apparent to everyone. Her friends were too hard to handle- she worried about them and praised them as though they were her own children.
She often marveled at how it was quite miraculous that she wasn't a serial killer. From the movies she had seen, all the right personality boxes were ticked.

New beginnings

for some reason, every year i think of the start of summer as a new beginning. not at the start of the year, but all the plans i hold are for between now and february. im determined to make it better than last year. i have a driving force, and i hope it doesnt propel me to do things for the wrong reasons. but trying to control it so much isnt healthy, so im making plans for me, and im following through for me too. not to show you that im better, better without you, better in every way you never thought i could be. thing in my life right now are pretty bad. but the little bits of good are good enough to keep me going. for now.

so hopefully some big changes are on their way.

calm before the storm

the heat of summer whirled around her, suffocating, grabbing every inch of her bare skin and covering it with smothering warmth.
the sky above growled, deep purple- the promise of a storm. the quiet was eerie. in such a wide open space, the silence pressed upon her like the clouds inching closer to the ground, compressing the warmth. in the distance thunder rumbled. it wasnt the sharp crack as it usually was, it was far away, racing across the sky with the lightning that was sure to follow.
she waited.
brown grass tickled her legs, grown past her knees. it was like this for miles- just wide open stretches of dry straw. he was behind her suddenly, somehow, miraculously, he had appeared without a sound.
still, she did not turn around.
her eyes slipped closed as his lips brushed up her collarbone, slowly up her neck, hovering over her jugular, then up to her ear. goosebumps prickled her skin and he knew.
"you want me here." his voice was a murmur, his lips still close to her ear.
it was now that she turned. the sight of her face shocked him.
"yes. you know how i feel."
the mascara on her cheeks told him what she hadnt made clear. the thunder rumbled again, closer now, more defined, and he shook internally.
"i dont love you," she said, the words attacking him as though she had cracked a whip across his skin.
for minutes, he stood, stock still, in front of his love. his brain consumed the words, trying to make sense of them and then discarding the truth as the pain seared through him.
"please, just go away." more tears leaked from her eyes, and he turned. when her eyes opened again, he had gone.

she sunk to the ground, and, as though the action had pulled the moisture from the clouds, the first heavy drops fell. they were warm, and without warning, the whole sky opened up and drenched her in seconds. but she did not move.
the water ran over her skin, and she wept as she considered the lie she told to save him from her.

Home

I decided to start again.
It's been just over a year since I started Reckless, and I need something other than that, something similar to what I had before, but new.

Entry to entry, this blog won't be easily read. But it will help me, and that is something I need at this point in my life. My creativity ran away, and I'm hoping here is where I left it.

Until next time...