Revelations and Miscalculations

I have recently come to realise that i am one of those people who are just loners. not in a bad way, but i dont always like being around people. when im alone, i often feel the need to have someone with me, until theyre there. i think i just value my alone time, but it got me worried. its hard for me to make friends. i hate that i find someone i get really close to, invest a lot of time and care into, and then, often by chance, they leave. not even in a bad way most of the time, but i then get left on my own. i guess i should start being a bit more of a social butterfly huh?

its getting hot. my windows are wide open (i had to spray on insect repellent instead of moisturising tonight) and the temperature is still the same. i love the heat, but it seems to sap all my energy.

Gravity Came Calling

Very unhappy with my friends at the moment. making plans and breaking them, not replying or replying days later. it hard when a friend in Texas can reply to a message faster than someone ten minutes from your house.

i am filled with regrets right now, and every day that passes makes it harder to go back. i feel like a debbie downer everywhere i go, and i cant help it. ill be having a good time, but theres this gaping hole where my mind jumps and fills with you. i know if i text you, i will get ignored or shut down again, and i dont think i can handle that. you were right to go, but i just really want another chance. too bad that opportunity came and went.

thursday morning. just. it was fun. i loved laughing with you, and having a cuddle too. its nice to call you my friend, but i wish it would go either way. the way you act sometimes is too sentimental. youre giving me ideas i know i shouldnt have, but we were good. you and i had fun, we had balance, we had so much. most of that went, but i still think theres room for this to work. even though im sure i cant handle it hurting again.

Inconsistencies is right!

Perfectly describes my blogging style. ill be back soon, just dealing with the literal mountain of washing on my bed. ah clothes, the bane of my existence.

Addiction

I think once i start blogging again, i just cant stop. im back here again in the space of an hour. less, even. i just want to get all my mind out, clear and calm again, because i cant stop thinking. of the past, the future, and what could have been. i hate regretting things, and this is something im growing to regret.
i keep thinking of ways to say im sorry. ways that will explain me in a way better than i am. to convey my disappointment in myself, without being self pitying. i just want to start over.
i think if i had the chance to talk to him face to face, i could do it the right way. the emotions i have right now are too hard to convey in a message. on paper, electronically. i can message you, i can text you. but none of it seems right. if only it wasnt so hard to let go.
i just feel like im drowing in all the mess ive made for myself. i cant have the best of both worlds. all i have to do now is choose the one i want. and i think i know, but i get the feeling theres no second chances where youre involved. i dont even know what ive done wrong exactly. guess i just have to apologise for everything.

Regrets are best served cold

My whole entire being is shaken. one minute i think i know the score, that i know my next move and am content with my previous one. the next minute im on the verge of tears, filled with sorrow and cursing the memories flooding through me.
i keep thinking im in control. that ive made enough mistakes to learn from and apply to future situations. i just keep thinking. but when it comes to this, i know ive been blind. blinded.
what i have is good. its perfect. im getting what i want. im using and being used and it just feels so damn good. i can see the potential dangers, and theres plenty, but ive taken measure against most of them. but somewhere between 'no strings' and now, i got lost. i dont know what i feel, if i feel, and who i feel it for.
"he is so your type!"
these words ring in my head all day, every day. the scene is on repeat, and i know its true.
i just dont know how to make it right.
i forfeited something that could be really good, for something that is never going to be the way i want it to be. and i dont know why.
oh lord. of course i know why. im scared of ending it, in case he has changed his mind. in case he wants me back. which is ridiculous, because even if he did, im smarter than to take him back. nothing has changed. she is still like a bad smell, he is still the same person, and nothing has changed.
so there it is. he was interested. really interested. and because of this false hope ive given myself, i lost on all fronts. and all i want to do is apologise, but i know nothing i say will repair the pride that got hurt. the public embarrassment i gave him. i want to grovel, to get down on my knees and ask for one more chance, but i get the idea he is smart enough to see me for what i really am. lost, confused, and hanging on to something that is long long gone.

I dont even know where to start

Boredom drove me here.
im back because im bored, and reading all this made me reslise what has been missing from my life. i dont talk enough to anyone to get all of this out without sounding like a weirdo. i pay far too much attention to things that dont matter. it clogs up my brain and this i guess is the best way to unload it. there are two things i want to talk about, and im going to talk about the easiest one because with the other, i can talk myself in circles for hours.
weather.
im in that airy fairy mode again, where all the beautiful things in life just burst from their hidden places and bloom before my eyes. all the bare trees are now tinged with a faint smattering of green. i find myself dreaming of that amazing smell, of rain on hot cement. the fact that my whole house is shaking to it's foundations in this storm makes me want to snuggle in my bed. but i would rather have cuddles. lets not get into that.
i see rainbows, i see reflections in puddles, i see all these things, but if i were to take a picture, all the beauty would vanish. somehow, a lens just doesnt do it justice. and it makes me so angry, because i would love to take a picture of the double rainbow. of the fog. of the water so calm it looks like glass.

and i cant explain this to anyone. my sister thinks ive lost the plot when i talk about how green everything is. that im hallucinating or on some kind of drug. its not fair. it took me so long to notice all this stuff, and now that i do, i have no one to share it with.

all i want to do right now its stand outside in the rain. get completely drenched, head to toe, right down to the bone. and laugh. smile, laugh, be kissed in the rain or something. its so relentless out there, and im too good. i dont want pneumonia. i cant take time off work. im a good girl.


mostly.

The EX Factor

everyone has them. ok maybe not everyone, but it gets to that point where most people have.
ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends.
i feel like im an expert on this by now, i really do.
because not only have i had a lot of experience with them, but i am one. and its a difficult role to play.
after the break-up, its hard to let them go, so you keep talking. but girls, there is a line. when they have a new girlfriend, leave them alone. their every thought no longer is about you. as much as it sucks, you just have to cut those damn ties.
right now, a year after they broke up, shes still texting him those pitiful messages saying how much she misses him, a poem she found, four years ago they started going out. on and on and on.
every new relationship is difficult. im having trouble trusting you, and youre having trouble trusting me too, but we are having such a good time. until her name pops up. which is fine. until its every second sentence. i dont want to know the details of your sex life. because thats over. its hard enough that she lives down the street, is friends with all your friends, is part of three years of your life, but when you tell me about those little details i want to just punch the two of you.
so wake up and move on, seriously. im here now, and while i dont feel nearly as substantial as you two were, im making an effort. i can just see this all turning on me too. you two getting back together and ditching me. i know you dont want to, but its hard for guys to resist the familiar.

and you. yes you, you evil little bitch. i know, it seems callous, but i just dont get how you can sleep at night, after what you did. trying to befriend me, allowing me to trust you and believe we had things in common. then, after i rant about how i was still in love with him, you turn around and plunge yourself back into your old life. and i have to guess. if you hadnt done this, i would still have my old best friend. i just dont understand how girls can be so evil.

the point here, is, if you find yourself becoming one of these girls, think about how it feels, and move on. making another girls life hell just because youre hurting isnt right. trying to destroy foundations of relationships before theyre even built isnt right. find another release because when you find yourself one day, trying to start a new relationship and the ex is still hanging around, you see how it feels to feel like the third wheel in that position.